I’m looking for recommendations.

Not really any specific genre or type of recommendations, I’m just looking for new stuff to try out. I’m trying to change it all up. It’s lucky for me, then, that I know some of the coolest people around who can impart their great taste: food to try, skincare to attempt, habits that make their busy lives as easy and fun as possible. So I’m talking with them, and sharing their suggestions with you.

If you’re a fan of K-pop, you’ve heard of Billlie. The seven-member girl group had fans even before they debuted together — they were on just about every major competition show (real ones would remember Moon Sua from Unpretty Rap Star, Suhyeon from Produce 101 and Mix Nine, Siyoon from K-Pop Star and Sheon from the show that took over my life, Girls Planet 999). They’ve released songs in Korean and Japanese, performed on Apple TV’s KPOPPED with Megan thee Stallion, and just last month dropped a pre-release single, “cloud palace ~ false awakening,” a jazzy, dreamy pop soundscape that also came with a very fun live recording (that I’ve linked, of course). They’re performing in Yokohama, Japan next week, so I’m very glad that I got to sit down with them and ask for a few of their recommendations before their upcoming show. Here’s all the suggestions they have for it’s steffi:

Moon Sua recommends…

💅 Not biting your nails: One habit I really wanted to fix before was biting my nails without realizing it, and now I hardly do it anymore. Once I became more conscious of it, that habit naturally went away.

🎩 Hats: I’ve been into comfortable outfits in neutral colors lately. Rather than dressing up too much, I like a natural, effortless style, and sometimes I add a hat as a little touch to my fashion.

💻 YouTube talk shows: I really like watching OTT platforms and YouTube content. I enjoy talk shows like Pinggyego and Salon Drip, and I sometimes imagine what kinds of stories we’d talk about if we were on the show. I prefer dramas over movies, and recently I’ve been enjoying the drama Taxi Driver 3.

Siyoon recommends…

🍪 Dubai chocolate cookie: I’ve been really into the ‘Dubai chewy cookie’ that’s been trending on social media. In Korea, people call it ‘dujjonku.’ The texture is super unique, and once you try it, it just keeps popping into your head. I see it all the time on social media, which honestly just makes me crave it more. It’s way more addictive than you think.

🧠 Not overthinking stuff: I used to spend a long time overthinking even small things. But these days, I’m trying to trust myself more. Instead of pressuring myself, I try to acknowledge who I am right now, and that’s made my mind feel much lighter.

💧Moisturizing a lot: These days, I’ve realized how important skincare is. Just moisturizing well before makeup makes such a big difference. No matter how busy I am, I always try to focus on hydration. I think this foundational care is really the most effective and important.

Haruna is looking for recommendations on:

“I’ve been wanting to find a new hobby lately, but it’s harder than I thought. I’d love to get recommendations from [our fans], if there are any hobbies you enjoy or activities you can do for a long time, even small ones?”

Leave a comment

Haram recommends…

👩‍🍳 Culinary Class Wars: Lately, I’ve been watching all kinds of genres. I really enjoyed Can This Love Be Translated? and Culinary Class Wars, and I also rewatched Reply 1988 not long ago. That drama always leaves a warm feeling that lasts, which is why I love it so much. It also makes me think that I’d like to try singing original soundtracks someday.

🌭 Sausage: The snack I’d recommend is sausage. It’s easy to snack on before or after practice or while traveling, and you can easily get it at convenience stores. It’s a simple snack to refill your energy, so I really like it.

💄 YouTube Shorts makeup tutorials: I’m really interested in makeup, so I’ve been watching a lot of makeup tutorials on YouTube Shorts that are trending lately. They pack so many tips and trends into such short clips, so they’re fun to watch, and sometimes I even try them out myself.

Steffi asks: “Do you watch fan edits of yourself?”

Suhyeon: I actually look up fan-made videos pretty often. I watch videos, photos, drawings, and even clips from stages. While watching, I think about what parts fans enjoy the most and what I could improve on stage. More than anything, every post, photo, and video that fans upload means so much to me and gives me a lot of strength.

Moon Sua: I totally watch them! I’ve always liked surfing the internet, and fan edits are filled with so much love that they’re honestly incomparable to anything else. I can’t stop smiling while watching them, and later my cheeks actually start to hurt. I’m just so grateful and happy.

Sheon recommends…

🥑 Avocado smoothie: I often drink avocado-banana or avocado-yogurt smoothies, and just one glass of this smoothie is really filling. It’s tasty and healthy, which is why I’m especially into it these days.

Tsuki recommends…

🍋 Lemon water: I start my mornings by drinking lemon water these days. It’s my own little routine to start the day feeling refreshed. I recommend it to Belllie’ve too!

🫶 Hand care: The beauty tip I’ve been paying the most attention to lately is hand care. I’ve been consistently taking care of my cuticles, and although it’s a small detail, it really makes my overall look feel cleaner.

📸 Bringing a camera on your trip: My travel tip is to always bring a camera. You can take photos with your phone, but using a camera captures the atmosphere and emotions of a place more vividly. I also make sure to try the local food wherever I go. Experiencing the local flavors of that city is one of the best parts of traveling for me.

Sheon’s average weekly screen time is: 5-6 hours

“My average weekly screen time is probably around five to six hours. I mostly use social media or watch video content, and during breaks, I tend to look for lighter content to enjoy. I also like checking what kind of content our fans like.”

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Haruna recommends…

🐆 Animal print: Leopard prints have been catching my eye a lot. I want to try using leopard-pattern items as statement pieces in different styles. I think it’d also be fun to use leopard print in stage outfits.

🥩 Yukhoe as a struggle meal: When I have zero energy, the first foods I think of are salmon or yukhoe (Korean raw beef), which are my favorites. They’re mild and simple but high in protein, so I feel energized after eating them. Belllie’ve, if you need energy, think of me and try salmon or yukhoe!

Suhyeon recommends…

💊 Supplements: These days, when I feel low on energy, I try to make sure I take my supplements. Eating proper meals is the most important, of course, but when I’m busy with schedules, supplements help fill in those gaps. I used to reach for sweets like ice cream or chocolate, but now I’m trying to make healthier choices for my body.

📓 Actually planning your vacation: I usually plan my trips to some extent. For example, I organize the foods I want to try and places I want to go, then plan the overall route. That makes traveling more efficient, saves time and energy, and allows me to enjoy the trip more comfortably.

In 2025, I did many things that I am proud of. I wrote my first cover story for Highsnobiety featuring my fellow Michigan hometown girl, Chase Sui Wonders (The Studio, Bodies Bodies Bodies). I also flew to Los Angeles for Highsnob to interview girl group KATSEYE on the set of their GAP campaign; somewhere in my journal, there is an entry where I write, “I guess I am here to cover this jeans ad?” If only I knew then what that jeans ad would become. For the second year in a row, I joined the Rolling Stone team to decide and interview the Top Creators of 2025, and we ended up sparking some discourse between Caleb Hearon and MrBeast. This time last year I was busy with internet culture news, appearing on Vox’s Today, Explained and WNYC among other radio spots to share my reporting on the temporary shuttering of TikTok and exodus to Xiaohongshu that I did for the Stone, The Atlantic, and Slate. Speaking of Slate, my final byline of 2025 was a giant profile on the business of Starbucks, which I have heard from several friends is being brought up independently by older relatives at holiday gatherings (always a career goal of mine).

In between, I taught a social writing workshop at Meta. I did live readings for Digital Void and Empty Set Magazine. I wrote for The Guardian, Teen Vogue, Bustle, Yahoo News, Fast Company and The Daily Beast. I hit 600 published articles over my entire career thus far. If you want to hear about my work, I talked about it this summer on Kelsey Kruss’ podcast, Kronikled.

Meanwhile, it’s steffi has continued to grow, which I am the most grateful for. Here, I wrote my whimsy war manifesto, my argument against the current-day “I don’t dream of labor” mentality, and of course my question about if skinnytok got Michelle Obama. Thank you for reading and sharing and subscribing. And thank you especially to all my haters, who will be my waiters when I dine at the table of success. See you very soon.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

2026 Ins/Outs

In:

• Jeffrey Campbell Lita boots

• Making reservations on the phone

• Ragebaiting for fun

• Copy-pasting ChatGPT outputs without editing at all (and all other forms of telling people, candidly and earnestly, that you are an idiot)

• Venting at your local representative’s office on a regular basis

• Big ass sandwich

• Shared photo albums

• Making Molotov cocktails inside the Wicked x Target Stanley cup

• Wearing goggles

• Insubordination

• Now You See Me (all of them). Can you believe there are seven Horsemen now?

• Just going to sleep

• The Detroit Institute of Arts

• Stretching a LOT

• Drugstore makeup

• Lowballing

• Theremins

Out:

• Cigarettes

• “Chronically online.” Yes?

• Signature scents

• Dimes Square, whatever the fuck that means

• Titling YouTube workout videos “10 MINUTE ITTY BITTY TEENY TINY WAIST GIGANTIC SHOCKING DUMP TRUCK ASS (NO JUMPING)”

• Being bad with money

• Having professional Peter Pan syndrome. Just get old!

• Dairy products

• Japan obsession

• Cigarettes…

• Solidcore

• Not knowing how to ask follow-up questions

• Performative reading. I know some people argue that “they’re at least reading something.” Well over the past few years I have met many men who have read the works of bell hooks and Charlotte Brontë and even stan specific pop divas and they have ALL acted confused when the women in their lives asked for them to communicate their feelings even a little bit. It is a RUSE! It is FALSE ADVERTISING! A form of CULTURAL APPROPRIATION! And I will NOT STAND FOR IT!

• “Finding your style”

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

This month’s question is answered by one of the coolest stars on the internet right now, Lucy Blakiston. You might recognize Luce as the CEO and chief shitposter behind the beloved media company shit you should care about, which boasts 3.4 million followers on Instagram and 97,000 subscribers on Substack (none of these numbers are in the official bio she sent me, I just need to hype her up because she’s the best). Luce is also the author of the book on the bedside table of every hottie you know, Make It Make Sense. As a fellow worn-out-woman who will probs never own a house, Luce gets you.

Submit a Question Here!

Dear Luce,

i'm going home for my high school reunion soon and to be honest, i'm kind of nervous. I left my hometown a while ago and from social media, our lives could not be more different. they all post the big homes they bought in the suburbs, engagements and weddings, even their babies. i'm single and focused on my career in a big city, so my feed is literally everything else but that. i'm a little worried people will judge me, if that makes sense? it's like we're working under two different social media currencies!

— Ryan (she/her)

Leave a comment

OK babe,

As a girl who’s famously single, famously focused on my career, and famously doesn’t actually give a shit about what other people think of me, I think I might be the perfect gal to answer this for you.

First of all: high school reunions to me kinda feel like walking into a real-life LinkedIn feed. Everyone there is trying to put forward their hottest, braggiest, most successful self, and you don’t really show up there unless you’ve got something you want to highlight. Harsh, but true, IMO. But I promise you, just as we can all see through the fakeness of that LinkedIn broetry, we can see through it in real life too.

Another few things that aren’t real (ice cold takes incoming):

1. Social media (I know we all know this) and being online so much stops us from being content with what we have. Social media is always making us feel behind in some way, and it can be helpful to think about who profits from that. If you’re seeing people in happy relationships on your feed, is Tinder going to profit from you downloading the app? If someone is always wearing beautiful clothes, is ASOS gonna be making a quick buck out of you? Always a good idea to keep these things in the back of your mind.

2. The idea that there is an “ideal” timeline for how you should live your life. I know you know this, but when you’re seeing the highlights of your normie friends’ lives (no hate, but you know, the ones that have taken the tradish route), you aren’t seeing the screaming kids, mortgage repayments, or the constant yearning for a life like…oh, yours!! And it works the other way too—they aren’t seeing the loneliness, the hustle or the expense of living in this life as a solo woman. No one is living their life wrong. It’s just that the grass is always greener, huh?

What I do want to say is: if in your heart of hearts, you’re happy with the decisions you’ve made and the life you’re living, then who cares if people judge you? Like, genuinely, the only people you need to “impress” with your life is you, so if you’re living your truth, then that’s all that matters!!!

But, if you still find yourself feeling envious of what you’re seeing online, I do have some actual advice. Turn that jealousy into your best mate, and let it show you what your life is missing. This is something I’m very passionate about (so passionate that I wrote about it in our debut book, Make It Make Sense)—LETTING JEALOUSY BECOME YOUR NORTH STAR. Becoming friends with jealousy will change your life. I feel like we were taught, as young impressionable women, that jealousy is an ugly emotion and one that we should push away. But what if, instead, we let it show us what we wanted? This is just a helpful little tool to keep in your belt if you ever feel like you’re comparing yourself to people you see online. It’s like, “am I jealous of this? Or do I actually want to work towards some aspect of what I’m seeing?”

I trust that you’ll figure it out, and for what it’s worth, you seem like someone I want to hang out with.

Happy reunioning!!!!

Luce xxxxx

More from Ask Steffi:

• Ask Steffi returns to Slate’s ICYMI to answer four very special holiday-specific social media etiquette questions.

• Steffi offers advice on what to do when you keep seeing your enemies get re-posted and tagged onto your feeds.

• Steffi tackles the problem of when your friend shades you via TikTok repost.

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

Earlier this month, I returned to Slate’s ICYMI to answer four questions from our Ask Steffi readers about holiday-specific etiquette. The questions spanned from how to deal with your family members who keep sharing Facebook conspiracy theories at the dinner table, to buying your best friend a Secret Santa gift when you think all of her wishlist items are TikTok brainrot garbage. Host Candice Lim and I had the most fun sharing our solutions for surviving the social media waters of the holiday season.

Submit a Question Here!

Dear Steffi,

My (28) boyfriend (30)'s aunt followed me on Instagram a couple months back, and reacts or responds to every story I post. My bf and I have been dating for 2.5 years and I see his aunt at family gatherings ~3 to 4 times a year. She's kind, but she's the only one from my family or my boyfriend's family who follows my Instagram, it seems that the other older relatives understand that there's a boundary there. But now that she's here, she would notice if I blocked her. She's even reached out to me via DM for advice on gifts for him, et cetera. I really don't want to self-censor online, so I've challenged myself to post what I would anyway, regardless of her interaction, but whenever I'm about to post something I definitely think "Hmm, what will [aunt name] think about this?" And I wish I didn't have to do that. For now, I've landed on just accepting her existence in my digital space, and that she chose to subscribe to whatever gay nonsense content I'm posting! but I would love any advice you have here, or any thoughts on the invisible rules I thought existed around this.

— Family Ties

Leave a comment

Candice: Ooh, okay. Steffi, start us off—what do you think?

Steffi: Well, my golden rule is that you should never, under any circumstances, allow your family members or coworkers to follow you on Instagram. I think if you can avoid this situation to begin with, you should. You should be allowed the seven cardinal sins to keep your family members off your social media for this very reason specifically. I don’t care if you have to lie that you don’t check Instagram anymore, or that it’s a work account, or whatever, if you can avoid this altogether, you absolutely should. But now we are here. So I would implement the same rule. I grant you all seven cardinal sins to lie and scam your way into your aunt believing she is watching your content, when you in fact have a boundary.

Candice: Okay, this is interesting. I agree with you about family members. I just think that even if you are literally a pastor, your family just doesn’t need to know that side of you. For instance, my father has LinkedIn requested me four times, I have accepted it zero. And he still does, and we’re fine. But, coworkers! I didn’t realize coworkers was also kind of a boundary for you. Why is that?

Steffi: Well, I think it depends on your workplace. I think because we work in media, it’s a bit different, but when I hear about my friends who work in finance or hospitals, there’s not only a bit more of an age gap sometimes, but also very much a cultural gap in terms of how online people are. Because let’s be real, it’s our job to be online, so if you follow me on Twitter and you see my posts that are like, “she equals Nicki equals Clairo, ate equals burgers equals shade,” you’d get that—but if you work in a bank, maybe it’s different. So that’s why I say coworkers. From what I understand of peoples’ work cultures, the boundary is drawn in a very clear-cut way that may not always translate well to the persona you’re projecting or building on your Instagram, especially.

Candice: What’s interesting is that I read this letter and unfortunately kind of sided with the aunt, but I want you to tell me if I’m missing something. My whole deal is that I read the part where this reader said she “chose to subscribe to whatever gay nonsense content I’m posting,” and maybe she just really loves her gay nephew, or supporting what you do? It doesn’t sound like she’s being negative in your space, she’s just kind of liking and hee-hee, ha-haing. I gotta admit, I do that to my friends sometimes, so I’m kind of like, is the action or the person that is causing the tension or the stress? In my head, it sounds like this is just an aunt who wants to support her boyfriend’s love—you’ve been together for 2.5 years, so you’re a bit serious. Maybe she just really likes you and wants to be a part of your lives. But what am I missing, Steffi? What is the boundary I’m not seeing?

Steffi: I think you’re totally right—this has nothing to do with the aunt at all, this has everything to do with an internal struggle. But in that same vein, it’s okay to be like, okay, I’m not fully comfortable with this, so I’m just going to keep that boundary for my own sake while I’m still trying to wrap [my head around] the feeling of someone seeing me and my gay nonsense. Just because nothing necessarily wrong is happening doesn’t mean you have to learn how to be okay with a partner’s family member following you in such a way, even if the intention is totally innocent.

Editing Steffi Note: I was trying to word this in a more professional way on air, but basically I understand that if the only time you see your aunt is in a Christmas sweater, it can feel more than humiliating to post your bulge silhouette thirst trap knowing she’s going to swipe up with a “so proud of you, sweetie!” comment.

Submit a Question Here!

Candice: Okay, I have two ideas of where we can go. First one: would Close Friends help in this situation?

Steffi: I think it would, yeah.

Candice: So you basically would add all the people you would want to show your ass to in Close Friends, but you don’t add the aunt, so she only sees the sanctioned content. Would that help?

Steffi: Yeah, Close Friends is a good solution here. Especially because people will put like, 300 people on their Close Friends stories these days—like, it gets wild. Like, we’re not close friends. So at least you’re giving yourself the option to post the content you want while managing the bigger webs of people that will inevitably happen on most of our social medias. Even if you just muted her from your Stories for specific Stories you don’t want her to see. It’s a bit of a heavier lift, but if it works for you, it works for you.

Candice: Here’s my second idea, which is that I think this person should start a couples’ account. Hear me out! I want you to start a couples’ account with your boyfriend, and I want you to put all stuff you know is so lame, so cringe, so 2012—I want you to put everything on that Instagram, and I want you to only have one follower, and that follower is your boyfriend’s aunt, because she will be so distracted by the oatmeal and doggie walks and “coffees with boyf,” she will be so distracted at how much content you’re putting on the couple’s Instagram, she won’t even realize you blocked her main. And therefore, she’ll kind of think like, oh my God, I’m getting to know my nephew and his boyfriend, I’m getting to see their daily lives. And I know what you’re thinking: hey queen, is that not a second job? I know, but it sounds like we’re looking to avoid instead of contain, so I’m just going to say it—couple’s account. And guess what, if you really enjoy it, you become an influencer. Just a thought!

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Steffi: That’s actually such a good idea. Because obviously this person’s thought about it enough where the energy is not the problem, it’s figuring out where to go now from here. That’s so genius.

Candice: Yeah. You guys get married, guess where that content’s gonna go? “Hey guys, we’re picking napkins today!” Your friends at work don’t want to see that, right, but put that on the couple’s Instagram, let her vote, and know that one person is voting—but what if she has really good taste, okay? I think this is a win-win. You start the Instagram in 2025 and we only go up.

You can listen to the full episode here, including what to do when you’re the only friend in a group left off a friend’s wedding guest list, how to handle your family member’s Facebook conspiracy beliefs, and what to do when you don’t want to buy your best friend’s TikTok Shop-pilled Secret Santa wishlist:

More from Ask Steffi:

• Slate’s Nadira Goffe offers some perspective on what to do when you keep stalking your ex-friends online.

• NBC’s Daysia Tolentino recommends when you can start revealing your weird humor on dating apps.

• Steffi and Candice Lim talk about if it’s appropriate to have political arguments with people on Instagram DM, and when you think your in-law is having an affair based on their Facebook posts for the first installment of Ask Steffi x ICYMI.

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

This week’s question is answered by your favorite and mine, Nadira Goffe, a podcaster and culture writer at Slate Magazine. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @calllmenadira.

Submit a Question Here!

Dear Nadira,

I constantly stalk people who've wronged me and with whom I've had friendship breakups on social media. I love keeping tabs on random people in my life, but I can't stop checking some of their Instagram profiles (sometimes even habitually if I'm bored). I'm fairly sure I've moved on from what's happened between me and these people, but is this a sign that I'm not actually over it? Is this behavior unhealthy? It's not like I'm jealous—I'm just curious.....!

— Brick

Leave a comment

Dear Brick,

You’re not alone. Everyone loves to check in with people they’ve shared significant parts of their life with, even (or especially) if the relationship ended poorly. It’s a layered human instinct: Sometimes we do it because we hope our former friends and lovers are doing well despite how it all ended, sometimes we do it because we miss their friends or family or pets that ended up as lost collateral in the breakup, sometimes full omniscience is the final goal (which is to say, sometimes we’re just nosy). Then, of course, there are the times we find ourselves monitoring the success of others for less-than-healthy reasons that we’re too ashamed to admit—jealousy if they’re doing better; petty smugness if they’re doing worse.

Generally, I’d say that, though this behavior can be unhealthy, it doesn’t mean that it most definitely is. None of these things inherently make you toxic or obsessed. They just make you human. And maybe a little annoying, depending. But, you need to be honest with yourself! I may have changed majors in college because I was failing Calculus 2, but even I can tell you: This math ain’t mathin’! You say you’re “just curious,” but no one who “stalks” is “just curious” about their obsessions—or else they wouldn’t be obsessed with them to begin with. Not to mention, those ellipses after “just curious” seem…suspicious.

Look, I can give you a whole spiel about taking stock of how you feel when you check your former-bestie’s profile or your ex’s Instagram Story. I can give you a whole spiel about how social media isn’t real anyway, so you’re obsessing over a whole ‘lotta nothin’. However, the better question to ask yourself is: How would you feel if you unfollowed them or, at the very least, muted their Stories (people check who watches those, you know!). Would you just feel bored? Or would you feel like you’re missing out on something? If it’s the latter (and I have to hazard a guess that it is given the fact that you’re on their pages like you’re Bruno Mars in a casino), then Order in the court, the verdict is in!: You are still platonically and/or romantically down bad. In which case, you should try to get closure where you can. If you can’t, you need to work through those emotions on your own end. Perhaps with a therapist, or, you know, one of the friends you’re actually still friends with.

The thing about checking in on people you’ve cut all ties with is that, though it’s totally understandable, there’s no actual good reason for it. If you stopped and found out that you were just bored this whole time? Get a hobby. If you feel that you’re missing out on something real without access to their perceived life? No offense, but, get a life! You’ve got time on your hands, so use it wisely. Watch that show you’ve always wanted to, read a book, befriend your local bartender, bedazzle something, start planning next year’s Halloween costume, watch Joker 2 then go wash your eyes with bleach, call your mother or father or sibling or grandparent or literally anyone you know, volunteer, paint a wall in your apartment, take an online college course, bake a pie, learn how to play a new sport, or chess (sorry, chess is not a sport!), go to the circus. Hell, join one! Do whatever as long as you’re not a man buying a podcast mic. Or an NYU student buying a tiny mic for your upcoming TikTok series in which you harass innocent passersby in Washington Square Park about their favorite song when they’re just trying to eat their bagel. On second thought, maybe just stay clear of microphones in general. But, beyond that, you’re in the clear!  

You’ve done the hard work of letting go of something or someone that meant a lot to you, but, for whatever reason, needed to be released. Now revel in it with the newfound time you have! Step your diva up! Because the worst part is already over and life can (and does) exist beyond it, beyond them. Though this behavior isn’t inherently bad, it is inherently a waste of your time. Instead of investing your time and energy into people who have nothing to do with your life anymore, put it towards the people who could. 

Psst…guess what? Ask Steffi is doing another exciting collaboration, specifically addressing social media etiquette quandaries during the holiday season! If you want advice on what to do when your parents keep posting you on Facebook, or how to avoid DMs about hanging out, or running into your ex on hometown Hinge, ask Steffi through our form here.

More from Ask Steffi:

• NBC’s Daysia Tolentino offers some thoughts on when it’s okay to start getting goofy in your Hinge conversations.

• ICYMI’s Candice Lim and Steffi answer questions on following potential affairs happening on Facebook, how to DM about politics, and more.

• Rolling Stone’s CT Jones gives advice on what to do when you’re in love with the TikTokers on your feeds.

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

This week’s question is answered by the inimitable Daysia Tolentino, a culture and trends reporter at NBC News. She has written about pop culture and the internet for InStyle, Vulture, the Daily Dot, and more. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram.

Submit a Question!

Dear Daysia,

If I’m messaging with someone on a dating app, how soon is too soon to be weird and goofy? I want to be weird and goofy right away but I feel like the jokes don’t read a lot of the time. My gut says I shouldn’t change my humor, but maybe I should be a bit more chill? Unsure here.

— Goofy

Leave a comment

Dear sweet Goofy,

I know your pain. Finding love is hard, but finding someone to match your freak? That’s even harder. 

First thing’s first, you gotta get the conversation off the app—offline, even—quickly. If you are really interested in seeing where a connection goes and if you can kiki for real, you have to meet them IRL ASAP! Some people are funny online and absolutely sauceless in person. There is perhaps nothing worse than building a digital rapport with someone for weeks only to realize there’s no chemistry face-to-face. 

But of course, you must figure out what the vibe is before you commit the time, energy and cute outfit to a date. So to answer your actual question, I don’t think there is a time that is too soon to be weird and silly on the apps.

In fact, I think it’s good to sprinkle your goofiness into your profile. Apps like [REDACTED] or [NO FREE PROMO😗] give you a lot of opportunities to give people a sneak peek into that freak brain at your dazzling personality, whether it’s through voice memos, polls or prompts. Despite what TikTokers may have you believe, a lot of us are suckers for a silly voice memo or a stupid meme. I’m not afraid to admit it!

Showcasing your humor lets people know that you aren’t a robot (literally, these apps are filled with them these days). It also alleviates some of the pressure that comes along with the sick mating process we’ve all settled into in our new digital world. In an era when many singles have begun treating their dating profiles like their Instagram accounts, I think any crack in the veneer is welcome. 

I would add that you don’t want to show all of your cards at once. Make a joke or put a silly pic in there, but don’t make it totally unserious. Indulge in a little mystique. Put your sexy, wistful, who-is-she photos on display—but always sprinkle in a couple things that real clowns (complimentary) can riff on. That’s a well-rounded profile that will get you closer to the potential partners you want. 

Once you start chatting, feel free to express your humor and silliness as you please. If it’s not clicking with that person, they’re probably not right for you. Don’t waste your time on anything that feels forced or just doesn’t feel good. I can’t tell you the amount of time I’ve wasted trying to make a conversation work on the apps. You want a partner who will do bits with you effortlessly. It comes with time and patience but you should not settle for anything less. Trust me.

Again, the true compatibility test is being able to banter in person without editing your jokes or curating the perfect witty text. We all present ourselves a certain way on dating apps, but it’s never an exact substitute for our IRL personalities. Ultimately, dating is exhausting but it’s even worse if you’re on a boring date with someone who does not get your humor at all.

All this to say, trust your gut. Never change yourself for anyone, especially not a stranger! Because seriously, who is that rando??? And why are they making you feel bad? 

In the great words of Christine Baranski and Julie Walters in the 2008 classic Mamma Mia!: Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke!

Xoxo,

Daysia

Psst…guess what? Ask Steffi is doing another exciting collaboration, specifically addressing social media etiquette quandaries during the holiday season! If you want advice on what to do when your parents keep posting you on Facebook, or how to avoid DMs about hanging out, or running into your ex on hometown Hinge, ask Steffi through our form here.

More from Ask Steffi:

• Steffi gives counsel on the best move when you keep seeing your enemies on your feed.

• Rolling Stone’s CT Jones offers advice on what to do when you’re in love with the TikTokers on your feed.

• Steffi suggests what you should do when your friend subtweets you via TikTok repost.

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

Today’s question is answered by the incomparable , a culture writer at Rolling Stone with previous work in Vulture, Vox, and Refinery29. Their profile work and reporting is deeply fascinating and their criticism has shifted my worldview entirely. You can follow them on Instagram @christjonesy.

Submit a Question!

Dear CT,

helppppppp I need to know why i fall so in love with influencers and how to get over it — one in question is noah beck. i ran into him a couple times. now i follow fan accounts and own 2x hoodies and underwear from his brand. i have BOOTLEG MERCH!!! a serious issue.

— Belulu

Leave a comment

Dear Belulu,

Falling in love can be hard. What makes it harder is when the object of your affection isn’t a white boy you locked eyes with across a sweaty subway platform, but instead a (very jacked) white boy whose claim to fame involves being apart of something called ‘The Sway House,’ dating a D’Amelio sister, and being born after the year 2000. 

Let’s be honest. There’s nothing really wrong with being infatuated with celebrities. The very nature of fame is that the best celebrities succeed by having a public persona that draws you in. The same can be said for influencers as well. You’ve watched Noah post TikToks recreating Minions scenes with his family, or cliff jumping with his friends off the coast of Greece. You feel like you’re there with him. Meeting him in person probably only cemented the professionally curated vibe he’s built online—to be a personable shell to project on to. Cute mustache or not, the Noah Beck you see online isn’t really a person. Sure he exists…somewhere. But unless you’re the protagonist of the newest Cinderella Story, the chances of you ever getting a chance to meet the real Noah is low. The person you’re obsessed with isn’t a person at all. He’s a product. It’s not your fault you’ve got your consumer brain on. I mean, c’mon. No one buys bootleg merch unless what you’re really craving is the act of clicking “add to cart.” If you wanted a date, you’d already be trying to con your way onto Raya. 

It sounds to me like you’re not not ashamed about developing a parasocial relationship point blank—you’re ashamed that you’ve developed one with an influencer. I get it, the aforementioned Sway House can be an unpopular thing to bring up over a couple of drinks with friends. It’s a hard sell, especially for people who either aren’t online or are adamantly against the very system that brought Noah his fame. But again, there’s no shame in becoming obsessed with an influencer. You are not above being sold to. Okay, so you watch his videos. So you’ve turned his Instagram post notifications on. So what? Unless you’re one of those fans who’s camping out by his hotel rooms, or trying to find the Kroger where his mom shops at, I can promise you you’re probably not doing anything wrong. Now, if you’re crossing any of those lines, I’d consider getting help—either in the form of a therapist, an orgasm, or a good old fashioned kick in the ass. 

If you’re still embarrassed, or are convinced that your Noah Beck obsession is taking too much time away from having a real, tangible life, there are a couple options to fully get over this crush. Step back for a minute and recognize the context  that you exist in and all that came before you. If Noah’s 33 million TikTok followers alone are anything to take into account, there are at least 1 million other people who agree with you. A lot of them might be children. Can you bear the thought that the object of your desire probably has his photos in thousands of middle school lockers around the country? How would you feel if you went to the mall, and you and an 11-year-old were wearing matching bootleg merch? If shame is enough of a motivator to have you ask an advice column for help, let’s hope it’s enough to get you a new crush. In the meantime, just accept that you have a weakness for tall white men with mustaches. Even better, walk outside and find one. They’re everywhere! You’d probably be doing someone a favor.

More from Ask Steffi:

• Steffi and ICYMI’s Candice Lim answer a few question about Facebook wall affairs, political arguments and more.

• Okay Zoomer’s Kelsey Weekman assuages one reader’s worries about ways to swipe up on Instagram without being cringe.

• Steffi tells you what you should do if you keep seeing your enemies on your feed.

this week has been a special one for me, because it’s steffi had the honor of doing a collaboration episode with none other than Slate’s pop culture podcast, ICYMI! host Candice Lim and i answered some questions from you, our ask steffi readers, including if you should have that fight about politics with a mutual in instagram DMs, or what to do when you think your sister-in-law is having an affair via her facebook posts. it’s out everywhere you get your podcasts:

i love ICYMI and am very thankful to have been able to do this. balancing writing for money versus writing for fun is a struggle that i think every writer cycles through for the entirety of their careers, and i’ve been trying to navigate my own relationship with it—particularly as it the industry seems to fall into ashes once again. so being able to interact with you and hear your questions is one of the best parts of all of this. truly!

all this to say, i appreciate every nice thing anyone’s ever said about my writing, because so much of my time writing is spent in self-attack mode (who among us has not felt this, etc etc). thank you to everyone who continues to submit questions, i hope you’re enjoying the advice column and the cultural criticism/essay content. feel free to leave comments on what you want to see: more criticism, more podcast collaborations, perhaps even bringing the weekly link drops back??

until then, it’s steffi collaborated with ICYMI!! how incredible is that!! your queries made me gasp, laugh, giggle and think. i have very strong takes about what you all should do. candice was gagged, too. i hope you enjoy it.

Submit an Ask Steffi Question!

here are some links for you to peruse:

• the newest edition of posting playbook dropped, and i offered some tips on how to politely decline someone that’s been blowing up your phone to hang out.

• CT Jones’ criticism of the Justin Baldoni–Blake Lively beef over their Colleen Hoover domestic abuse trauma porn movie was spot-on.

• i’ve been deeply obsessed with this viral post on chinese social media where a white girl is crying over her boyfriend and everyone’s telling her that her man is ugly in the comments.

see you very soon,

-s

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

Submit a Question!

Dear Steffi,

There has been a rift in my main group of friends for the last couple of years. Two people of this group went through a bombastic friend breakup that has made things super awkward for everyone else. We all tried to stay friends with both, because their beef was with each other, not with everyone else; still, even years later, one is butthurt that the rest of the group has stayed friends with the other. I’ve had multiple conversations with her about my stance on the situation — but just when I thought we had worked it out in the remix, I came across a TikTok repost of hers, which was essentially saying that if you are friends with someone who is friendly with everyone, these friends are snakes and are never going to have your back when you need them. I knew she was subtweeting me! And probably the rest of the friend group! I’m fairly certain she reposted with the intention for me and others to see it. It’s now reaching a point where I feel uncomfortable being around her because I want to say something so badly — why did you repost this? I thought we had worked it out? And if not, why are you still hitting me up to hang out? It seems like you don’t really like me anymore. How and when do I say this to her? Or should I just let it go?

— Rea Post

Leave a comment

Dearest Rea Post,

Wait, she reposted that and then still hit you up to hang out in person? Are you sure your friend isn’t secretly like…keeping a bunch of elves locked in her basement, or something? Because that’s sinister behavior.

Normally, I’d be like, take a subtweet with a grain of salt, it could be for anyone. But this situation certainly arouses warranted suspicion. Personally, I don’t think it’s a wild leap to assume that she was shading you, intentional or not. Just technologically, a TikTok repost is different from a retweet—reposts send the video directly to your friends’ feeds. I’d also bet a sizable amount of money that most of your TikTok followings are much smaller than your Instagram or Twitter, just by virtue of time. Let’s be real, most of us aren’t really following all that many real connections on TikTok to begin with, which means the content we do see from our friends is much more concentrated. In the great divorce of Social versus Media, TikTok definitively sits on the media (passive consumption) side. Which means, at least for me, I’m actively thinking about content I know my immediate friends will enjoy when I repost. The content of this particular repost feel especially pointed, given the context of your friend group debacle and her frustration with your stance amidst it all. You’re also not alone! I’ve heard several stories of people wondering if their tenuous friend’s TikTok repost was an underhanded jab at them.

The most obvious take I need to get out of the way is that there is no excuse for anyone older than the age of twenty to be doing things like this. If you are nineteen years, then I understand how this situation came to be. If you are twenty or older, you have laundry to fold and have no business being passive aggressive on TikTok.

All that being said, whether she consciously meant it for you or not is really besides the point. It’s ultimately on her to decide if she wants to be a grown-up and tell you about how she’s feeling—especially if you’ve seen in her IRL after The Subtweet. You can’t go searching for codes in her TikTok reposts and trying to extract meaning about your current relationship from it. Your instinct is more than fair, but this wormhole is a fruitless endeavor that puts you right back where you started every time.

What are you holding on for? Memories are nice, but if this breakup has truly caused such an irreparable rift between you all, it might just be even more heartbreak to try and stitch back the memory of a time when things felt harmonious between you all—especially since it was never your fight in the first place. Clearly, you didn’t just spontaneously lose all your friends, but your relationship to them is certainly changing. Whether you decide you’re better off distancing yourself from this particular Subtweeter completely or keeping her at arm’s length (one of those “I see you twice a year for dinner where we only talk about surface-level life events and eat some kind of noodle-based dish” friends), if it’s come down to searching for emotional truth on her TikTok, I feel like that’s kind of a sign.

There’s a lot of pressures around the reflections of friendship online. The #SquadGoals nature of social media in 2014 really enforced the idea of an aspirational, picturesque ensemble crew; conversely, a whole new outlet of turmoil has bloomed in its rise—everyone’s hanging out without you and posting about it on Snapchat, someone didn’t make it into the Instagram carousel, you left the group chat and can’t get added back, and now I guess this shit, with people catching strays via TikTok reposts. The bottom line is, I think it’s short-sighted to downplay the emotions you feel just because you saw something online. You feel some type of way for a reason! But unless your friend is willing to address it directly, then there’s no way of getting an answer that feels conclusive and fulfilling for you. What I do know is that no one should have the time to subtweet anymore. Throw a direct jab or go home. Otherwise you’ll just be fighting with yourself.

Psst…guess what? This summer only, I’m bringing a twin it’s steffi advice column to Fast Company, where Deez Link’s Delia Cai and I will be answering your digital etiquette questions! These columns will run in tandem, and the title will be announced soon. If you want to proffer a question, leave a comment below. As always, submit to this advice column through my Google form.

Leave a comment

More reading:

• Took a mental health break from writing my unhinged essays because I got tired of getting yelled at on Twitter but I’m back at Mixed Feelings to discuss pressing news: the white boy stock is at an all-time high, but you’re a fool to think it’s about the white boys.

• Went on Marketplace to discuss my feature for The Ringer, on how 2014 shaped the internet as we know it today.

• During my break, I loved reading these pieces:

  • Kieran Press-Reynold’s GQ feature on Mogwarts, the Harry Potter-themed looksmaxxing academy.

  • My favorite person in the world CT Jones wrote incredible coverage on The Acolyte and Reylo fanfiction for Rolling Stone.

  • Teen Vogue’s series, “The United States of Suppression,” spearheaded by Allegra Kirkland, follows the crackdown on and censorship of dissent and protest nationwide.

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and perhaps invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

Submit a Question

Dear Steffi,

Seeing the social media presence of my enemies consumes me with an overwhelming desire for vengeance that is neither rational nor practical. Sometimes this sense of wrath is cathartic and uplifting; other times I can tell it's slowly poisoning my body to give these people a single iota of brain space. Unfollowing these people doesn't do the trick alone — friends of friends post friends of friends of friends of friends and it's a jumpscare every time. Is the only solution to go offline? To work harder at opening my third eye? Help me.

— Alexa

Leave a comment

Dearest Alexa,

I know exactly what you mean. The infrastructure of social media makes it so difficult to fully let go of one another. And you’re right—unfollowing doesn’t do anything, especially if you have an IRL connection, or your algorithms have detected existing activity between your phone and theirs. Being online and scrolling on your feeds means there’s a non-zero chance of encountering someone reposting your high school bully’s viral tweet, seeing your ex pop up on your Hinge profile, or stumbling across the new foodie TikTok account belonging to that one mutual friend who never Venmoed you back and has a really grating vibe. The impulse to click through when they appear on your screen is like checking under the newspaper to make sure the spider’s really dead. I don’t need to be doing good all the time, but you have to be doing worse than me.

Yeah, you could log off for a while and touch grass, and that would probably make you feel better. But I don’t care to indulge in fanciful, lofty tableaus of a life divorced from social media. That’s for pretentious losers who believe organic produce is actually pesticide free. You don’t receive accreditation granting you a high class of morality when you delete Instagram.

What you need is a reconfiguration of your relationship with social media. When it begins to feel too real and too all-encompassing, that’s when you need to remind yourself of what’s the point in you being online. The internet is a tool that can be curated a million different ways, so curate it! Maybe you just want to just mindlessly scroll through your feeds, so get a burner account attached to a totally different email. If you only want the social part, make a finsta so you only see the content from your close friends—the ones who you know aren’t posting your enemy. Perhaps it’s the overwhelming sensation of carrying all these emotions in your pocket. So limit your social media time to your desktop (I cleansed the Twitter app from my phone, and it’s been very nice). Try different apps! Instead of getting your news on Twitter or outfit inspo on Instagram, subscribe to Substacks or get on Pinterest, which is basically a vibes void.

It seems like a lot, but it is not. Social media is a tool that a lot of us have a long and winding footprint on, and we need to all be better about learning to take charge of our relationships with it, especially as it becomes more of a non-negotiable to be online in some way. Finstas and burners have become increasingly more common over the years, and I personally think it’s a really mature way to navigate the jungle of content. Many already understand that there is benefit to engineering a space that feels most productive for you, because there’s still much to be gleaned from it. I like watching videos from content creators sharing vlogs out of Gaza—I never would get such perspective from a Western news source. I like seeing what my middle school classmates are eating for lunch this week, even though I haven’t spoken to them in over a decade. I like looking up Shrek and Ronald McDonald fan fiction simply because how else would I discover such genius without an app like Wattpad?

Listen, sometimes, peace was never the goal. I love stewing in feeling wronged, and I won’t judge you for being a hater, too. It also makes sense that the rage is stoked every now and again if you have to keep seeing this person in real life and/or online against your will. But anger is such an exhausting emotion, and ultimately drains you more than the person it’s directed at. Kindly plant your feet on the ground and stand on business. Are you going to let one opp get the better of you?

Psst…guess what? This summer only, I’m bringing a twin it’s steffi advice column to Fast Company, where Deez Link’s Delia Cai and I will be answering your digital etiquette questions! These columns will run in tandem. I’m very excited about it—so if you want to proffer a question, leave a comment below. As always, submit to this advice column through my Google form.

More reading:

• For The Guardian, I looked into the “Oxford study” comment flooding Asian women’s TikToks mocking them for dating white men—but it’s a fictional study.

• My profile of Thủy, the first Vietnamese-American female artist to perform at Coachella, for Coveteur.

• In Rolling Stone, my examination of how Illennium became a cornerstone of an Asian American subculture. This one was very divisive, lmao.

• A big, gigantic, nostalgic feature I wrote for The Ringer on how 2014 changed the internet forever—the year of Gamergate, #BLM, affiliate marketing and a shift in the influencer economy.

• My deep dive into Wonyoungism and the latest in eating disorder K-pop content for The Daily Beast.

• For Bustle, I wrote about how the attention economy has paved the way for the fangirl economy.

I am not a mental health professional and the contents here are solely for entertainment and informational purposes. Please see a provider to seek diagnoses, treatments, and expert care.

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and perhaps invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.

Today, our question is answered by Kelsey Weekman, senior culture reporter at Yahoo News. Kelsey’s writing has appeared in BuzzFeed News, New York Magazine, Rolling Stone, Billboard, and CBS News. Check out her newsletter, Okay Zoomer, which unpacks online youth culture.

Dear Kelsey,

Is there any good way to respond to someone’s Instagram story to start a conversation, or are they all cringe?

— Will

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Hi sweet one,

Not to immediately get philosophical on you, but existence itself is cringe. Making yourself vulnerable to judgement of any kind can always be misconstrued as posturing or trying too hard, even if you’re not trying to. Set yourself free from the shackles of cringe.

Let’s think about what Instagram is in the first place: a directory of people and places and things where you only see someone’s carefully curated handful of profile posts (and some of the most deranged videos known to man, but we’re not talking about Reels right now). Instagram was once rife with burnt-out filters and song lyric captions paired with whatever in-the-moment image felt memorable, ‘til it morphed into a glorified address book of acquaintances and restaurants. Now its main mode of sharing for most is the story—the fleeting missive about what you’ve seen or experienced or harvested from the timeline lately. What precious digital scrapbook have we lost from the transient nature of Instagram stories? What shared memories have slipped through our fingers because we were afraid to be perceived?

We’re never going to get Old Instagram back, and we might be actively force-fed ads and influencer content and content from our friends posing as influencers because behaving naturally online seems kind of impossible at this point…but come with me now to the realm of earnestness. Imagine we grasped at the interaction available to us online, let things last a little longer, or lingered on the stories it’s so easy to tap through. What if we took posts for what they are—a way of presenting ourselves to the world for interaction, sharing memories and little moments of emotion—and treated them with gentleness instead of judgment? Like precious digital crafts being offered up to us as tiny gifts.

Simply put, if someone has posted something on their Instagram story, they would like people to engage with it. If you’re seeing it, they’ve been vulnerable enough to share something they care about, and they’re inviting the world to interact. Replying to Instagram stories is genuinely one of the great joys of life. It’s fun, largely inconsequential, and even the tiniest bit caring.

Whether you’re thinking about sliding into someone’s DMs in a flirty way or a friendly way, I think one of the most enticing things someone can do is just show that they care. Open yourself up to being what the world might call cringe, but stay steady in your earnestness, and remember that caring is pretty much the most enticing thing a person can do. When replying to an Instagram story, say something that the original poster can respond to, as well. Engage in the conversation that they’ve set up with their post. Having a single glass of wine and swiping up on a bunch of tertiary friends’ Instagram stories is genuinely my ideal night in.

I have amazing news: what other people think about you is literally none of your business. If you’re cringe, who cares? Your fear is probably not of making someone feel uncomfortable, but of feeling uncomfortable yourself. Set that aside. It’s just a feeling, and it’s far less important than a potential connection.

That being said, don’t be weird. Be mindful of why you were invited to the section.

All my love,

Kelsey

Read more

This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and perhaps invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can message me on Instagram.

Dear Steffi,

How do I know when being vulnerable online isn’t in my best interest?

— Sam

Leave a comment

Dearest Sam,

Being vulnerable is something that we have been encouraged to do on social media since the dawn of its inception. From the earliest chat rooms to the newfound impulse of taking a selfie when you cry, social media has long rewarded moments of raw honesty with boosted visibility, which can help you find connection to people who perhaps feel what you feel. But as the platforms become more transparently commercialized, the dance of being truthful and honest versus oversharing online is one that I, and a lot of people I know, struggle with every day.

It’s a real dilemma. Dial-up internet was child’s play — we live in a jungle of a digital world now, and there are so many more things to consider. There’s the baseline safety aspect: do you want to reveal personal information about yourself, especially when potential security issues like doxxing and harassment abound? Then there’s the emotional part to contend with. What if no one sees it? What if everyone sees it, then you get weird fire reacts from creepy guys you went to high school with? And most frighteningly, what if it’s cringe?

There’s this knot of emotions tied up in our decision to post the less shiny parts of our lives, and the peripheral awareness of it can be icky. A huge factor is in the way we know the internet has progressed over the years. Our emotions can be quantified and valuated in comments, emojis and engagement rates, which can cause self-doubt and burnout. We’ve seen this play out in extreme ways with those who have found large followings on the apps (e.g. Emma Chamberlain, BestDressed). YouTuber Elle Mills wrote about the price of sharing her innermost anxieties for millions of people to see — ultimately contributing to her leaving her content creation career:

“I was seen authentically, but it also meant that I had made a product out of some of the most devastating moments of my life,” she said. “In its aftermath, I felt pressured to continuously comment on problems in my private life that I didn’t know how to fix.”

That being said, vulnerability creates community, and that shouldn’t be ignored. The internet would be a poorer place if everyone agreed to pretend to be okay all the time. It’s why people have great loves for apps like Reddit, Tumblr, and Twitter (not X). Apps like BeReal and Lapse are proof of audiences seeking sincerity in their digital lives.

Because we as users know there are people on the other side of our content, consuming it, finding connection and empathy and authenticity in it. The bravery of vulnerability continues to create enduring change in our society, and that reflects on a tool like social media. Vulnerability builds strong online communities like r/AmItheAsshole, fandoms like the BTS Army, and Facebook groups for moms to vent to each other about their struggles. It’s why movements like Black Lives Matter and #MeToo took flight online; the willingness of people to get very real and honest about their lives ultimately created something that made a mark in history and pushed the needle for justice.

Increased commodification of social media is the problem, not vulnerability. It’s billionaires peddling out boring, shoddy retail sections while pumping your feeds full of ads for drop-shipping brands and budget dildos. The equation you have to balance is when posting becomes more taxing than meaningful to you.

On the days when the algorithm chooses to show everyone another State Farm ad over your candor, it can be emotionally draining and unfulfilling, because there’s no conversation happening. Not every post will go viral. Not everyone will be nice. Most people are passive viewers, scrolling mindlessly through feeds swamped with sponcon. So if you’re thinking about likes and views and judgment and things outside your control even before you draft the post, it’s time to find what you’re seeking (community, debate, attention) elsewhere.

Most importantly, as a user, have confidence in knowing when you start to feel kind of grossed out by the whole dance of posting. Many of us have spent a decent amount of our lives online, and are familiar with the feeling of social media getting on top of us. Get cozy with that gut feeling and learn to trust it. And if you’re ever beginning to overthink it, imagine Mark Zuckerberg’s face smiling at you. Do not let him get his grubby little fingers into your brain like that. Punt his head, and that doubt, far, far away from you.

I am not a mental health professional and the contents here are solely for informational purposes. Please see a provider to seek diagnoses, treatments, and expert care. Therapy = good.

Influencers and celebrities have felt the pressure to provide statements about what they think, rather than what is known. Tech companies have let deepfakes and disinformation run amock on our feeds. Every single user is a micro-brand who needs to post something, anything, even if it’s a milquetoast nothing statement about being sad or sharing claims that are not true. It’s enough to be confusing, all this opinion framed as fact, a constant barrage of statements without clarification of what is going on. It is also so deeply unsettling to see the president disseminating propaganda, only to walk it back after the news seemed to greenlight a genocide via a horrific stream of war crimes upon Palestine.

I feel particularly strongly about how people are perceiving and sharing information around the Israel–Palestine conflict as an internet culture reporter, because there seems to be more discourse than fact floating around on social media — which is where we know most people consume their news. This kind of disinformation ultimately hurts victims of the conflict. Some have told me that they feel overwhelmed by where to even start with major crises like these, so they don’t read about it. I understand. But I think it’s important to reflect on the desire to give into choosing ignorance.

So, to help my friends who want to care about current events but just don’t know how to start, I’m sharing a little guide on reading the news today. This isn’t the ultimate guide on media literacy by any means, but how at least I approach reading the news as someone whose job is the news. I hope this helps to assuage the fears that keep you in the waters of oblivion. It’s my belief that people, despite the insistences that they are not, are in fact smart enough and strong enough to lean about the world around them.

Here’s how I read the news:

Usually, I go to my Google News page in the mornings. I have my highlighted topics toggled to: U.S., World, Entertainment, Politics. I have Business, Technology, Public Health, and Digital Currencies sections too, but I don’t pay as close of attention to those, honestly. I don’t always love how Google News curates, but at least you can see the top headlines of what is being reported in Western media. I do this pretty much every single day. I find that contrary to making me feel more doom and gloom, spending twenty minutes here helps me set concrete cornerstones as to what is actually going on in the world instead of this vague sense of existentialism, and arms me with a sense of understanding and empowerment.

From this page, I’ll usually click on an NPR, Associated Press or Reuters link for my first dose of breaking news. I’ll read NBC, Axios, The Guardian, or BBC, too. I believe the only one that has a paywall is Reuters, but you get like, five free articles per month.

Note: Maybe this is where you take your first steps! That’s fine. But I still think it’s better than starting the day by putting your brain through the discourse washing machine on social media. A celebrity’s statement on Instagram is harder to parse apart in your brain before you get some baseline information.

If I want more context, I’ll look up more about it. I tend towards different places based on the subject because certain newsrooms have different specialities:

• Tech — TechCrunch, The Verge

• Entertainment — Variety, Deadline, The Daily Beast

• Health — Stat News

• Sports — The Athletic

• Politics — Axios, Politico, Huffington Post, Semafor

• Criminal justice — The Marshall Project

• Location-based news — The Texas Tribune, Detroit Free Press, Boston Globe, New York Public Radio, Al Jazeera, El País, The Korea Herald

It’s important to note that I’m not checking every single one of these sites every single day! That’s way too much. But I think having this guidance of knowing where to start, and a general plan of action when wanting more information, helps me break down the weight of everything happening into smaller bite-size pieces. That’s how I consume news that is not my professional focus.

General questions to ask yourself:

Where is this story happening that I want to learn about? Good reporting doesn’t come from just one definitive brand. The easiest place to start is by location. Is this happening domestically or internationally? If it’s abroad, I search up international correspondents from different news bureaus. These reporters will also likely be sharing on-the-ground reports and re-sharing other coverage from other experts on social media. Similarly, if a story is happening in one state, I turn to local papers; for instance, if there’s a school shooting happening in Texas, I’ll usually follow The Texas Tribune. If there’s a natural disaster in New York, I’m following New York Times Metro. Local reporters obviously know the ins and outs of a community better, as people living there themselves. It feels obvious, but I think it’s often forgotten for the habit of like, choosing one newsroom as your favorite sports team, and only rocking with their coverage.

As a reader, what do I need to know to make sense of this story? Do you need an in depth understanding or a general idea? Is it that you don’t know what happened in the past week, or you actually want an explainer on the history of what’s going on? For news, I read breaking news coverage, which give you surface level information about the now. For detailed context, I’ll listen to historians’ accounts on podcasts or the radio, or read a book (ooh, scary).

What’s the role I want analysis to play in my understanding of the subject? I do think it’s important to read analysis and eyewitness opinion as pat of all of this. I think they can offer different points of context and give a human lens into the story, especially if the analysis is shaped by lived experience and reporting. I particularly look for activists in the space and academics who specialize in the subject.

On objectivity: It’s a tired rhetoric to want journalists to remain cold and emotionless figures in times like these, some totally impartial figure that has no personal opinion on anything — we are people, and we will have a human reaction to our coverage. However it is our job to report what we are able to prove is true, to afflict the powerful, and empower the afflicted.

Things I look for when I’m reading an article:

These are the things that I note in my head when I’m reading any article. Any piece of journalism, citizen or legacy or whatever, is always impacted by company interest, ownership, standards, belief, et cetera. So I think the benefit of keeping this in mind is just being able to identify what motive looks like. It’s not to say the whole piece of journalism is a waste if I see a glimmer of company interest peeking through. I just think media literacy is just about like, being conscious of these things so you can be a more active and smart consumer.

Original reporting — the more original the reporting (with eyewitness interviews, a reporter speaking from the scene, a sit-down interview with a public figure), obviously the better. You’re able to prove more, corroborate more, dispel more.

Passive voice — This especially came up a lot during the coverage of police brutality over the years, when some newsrooms would run headlines like, “Man was killed after police fired gun” or something, which takes culpability off the police when we know what happened. It leaves room for what the action is and muddles responsibility, which is dangerous. The classic example is “I made mistakes” versus “mistakes were made.” Passive voice begs the question of why it’s being used.

Descriptive words — opinion is not always hedged with an “I think” at the beginning, but its easy to spot with descriptors. For instance, saying “the situation is complicated” is not a fact, because some people might disagree. Or verbs other than “said” are typically used for magazine writing rather than reporting. “Stated” is fine. Just something to note when it arises.

Couching — allegedly, supposedly, reportedly, claimed, are uncorroborated statements. They could be true, they could be false. You get it. Just look out for them.

Anonymous sourcing — ideally sources should be on the record, so there’s accountability of who is making the claim. With the context of today, I get there are reasons why people aren’t comfortable being named completely. But if there is no reason toggled to why that person is anonymous (for fear of retaliation by this company, for safety concerns), then yeah, I get suspicious.

If you see any claim being made, the easiest thing to do is just ask, “fr?” and look it up. More times than not, when I look stuff up, I find reporting and data on it. That’s literally it. Don’t get your information from a wonky explainer told to you by an uninvolved source that doesn’t share how they know what they know. I have a particular gripe with that. I’ve seen people rip off my reporting word for word, bar for bar, and then put some ridiculous true crime twist on it for views. And then claim that “the media isn’t covering this.” Just don’t be passive and look stuff up. Your life will be so much easier.

When I’m feeling really overwhelmed:

Still, I get the urge. Some days you’re just going to want the information spoonfed to you without worrying about legitimacy. I check on the pages of reporters I know and trust their judgment to get my distillation of news in these moments — people are often very entrenched in the space and know what’s what. These are basically all people I’ve worked with, so please note that. But here’s who I follow:

• Shootings, natural disaster, war, global conflict — Clarissa Jan-Lim, Tasneem Nashrulla, Julia Reinstein

• White House and national politics — S.V. Date, Kadia Goba, Lilli Petersen

• Abortion rights — Alanna Vagianos

• Fact-checking health discourse — Katie Camero

• U.S. criminal system and justice — Melissa Segura

• TikTok and U.S.–China tech policy — Emily Baker-White

Media literacy resources:

The Poynter Institute, a nonprofit journalism school and research institute, has a whole channel just on media literacy and fact-checking called MediaWise, by and for teenagers. They also run Politifact, which is known for it’s Truth-O-Meter (labelling statements from political figures on a scale from ‘true’ to ‘pants on fire’) and newsletters that will very clearly lay out what’s fact and fiction.

PBS also has news and media literacy information for teachers who want to educate their young students, on fake news, fact checking, and navigating the web.

Several newsrooms also publish fact checking: The Associated Press, CNN, Reuters, the New York Times, and more.

Colleges like the University of North Carolina offer guides to best practices around media literacy and the formation and execution of disinformation campaigns.

On this conflict:

Here’s the first explainer I watched on Israel–Palestine in high school (it’s 13 minutes):

• Conflict In Israel And Palestine: Crash Course World History, Crash Course (2015)

And here’s some analysis on the conflict that I think is important to consider — informed by reporting and first-person account:

• How Israel Went From Helping Create Hamas To Bombing It, The Intercept (2018)

• Today In Gaza, I No Longer Believe We’ll Get Out Of Israel’s Assault Alive, Al Jazeera (2023)

• Could The Attack On Israel Be The End Of Hamas? The New Yorker (2023)

All this to say, I hope this helps in any capacity, or sparks any amount of interest to try and stay informed; as a person, is always in your best interest to be mentally alive. And in times like these, it’s important not to look away, particularly when people in a stateless nation are asking for someone to listen to them. If you have any more tips on your tools for media literacy, let me know.

Nice things to consider:

• Spiritual manifestation.

• Teletubbies outfit check.

• Toast video.