all rise for chronically online halloween

"i hate gay halloween" no you hate yourself!

A week ahead of America’s most cherished holiday, a conversation began to spill out from many corners of the internet.

“I hate gay Halloween parties, what do you mean you’re Liev Schrieber, your husband is an enormous jar of vodka sauce, and your third is a mop,” one wrote.

People are hating on the modern-day Halloween costume, fueled by the fires of social media. “The Chronically Online Have Stolen Halloween,” Kate Lindsay wrote in The Atlantic this week. “Death to Themed Halloween Parties,” Luke Winkie wrote in Slate.

Winkie particularly called out themes like Powell’oween, thrown by Okay Zoomer’s Kelsey Weekman, who encouraged attendees to dress as Hollywood heartthrob Glen Powell. There’s also a Clown’oween, which is asking people to come as “jesters, jokers, mimes, harlequins.” He also mentions his upcoming appearances at a “villain-themed” Halloween and his very own Broadween, inspired by Broadway characters.

Image via Twitter.

Of course, as meme culture and social media has entered the mainstream over the years, the conceptual Halloween costume has become even more meta, as people recreate specific pop culture references and niche fandom symbols that you just have to be in the know to understand. Only real DCOM fans would immediately feel the impact of a biblically accurate “Sneakernight” Vanessa Hudgens, and only the most chronically online frequenters of Gay Twitter could pick out the couple’s costume depicting a iconic Real Housewives clip of NeNe Leakes stepping into the house with the white fridge.

The argument made in The Atlantic and Slate, as well as among some of the tired users on Reddit and Twitter, is that a themed Halloween abandons the original theme of the hliday—one we know and love as a spooky festivity of ghouls, ghosts and goblins. The costumes are not easy enough to understand now, allegedly. They collapse under the weight of their own references, they are complicated and unnecessary and annoying in the way of theater kids tearing apart a Denny’s after opening night.

All of this is wrong! And all of this is entirely missing the point of Halloween! This holiday has long been for the freaks, for the crafty, for the bitches filled to the brim with joie de vivre. I don’t like dressing up, I don’t like thinking about a costume, I don’t like the pressure to be the most creative person there. That’s fine! Just don’t go crying to me about it! Me? I’m dressed as Avril Lavigne’s body double Melissa, stemming from the 2017 Twitter conspiracy theory. I don’t have time to hear your endless drivel about your many self-imposed stresses and gripes. I’m listening to my pregame playlist and have a party to go to.

The fact of the matter is, no one is putting a gun to your head and asking you to purchase a full morph suit to go as the worm in Dune. You’re cycling through four different costumes because you couldn’t figure out a way to recirculate the pieces in your wardrobe? That’s a skill issue. Me and my girls were raised with a hot glue gun in hand and armed with unending romance for finding fun wherever we can. Yes, some people are kind of shit at choosing themes. So bend the prompt to your will. We use conceptual thinking and cultural touchstones in this bitch, and if you don’t like it, take your sensitive ass back to Spirit Halloween.

Any themed costume event offers flexibility by virtue of it being a party, not a court order. My birthday party theme was “Song of the Summer,” with the ask being to dress as a song of the summer, present or past, or how you would dress for your album cover if you were about to release your own summer anthem. Meaning, you could literally wear anything you wanted, as long as you felt like the most free version of yourself. And let’s be real, that is the true point of any theme party, and the essence of Halloween itself. It’s why girls wear lingerie with very vague references to some sort of animal or cartoon character. It’s not really about the theme, but about letting your intrinsic diva shine for the day.

This holiday is for people who find joy in creating a spectacle and for finding the other weirdos who can match their freak. Come in costume, or don’t. Spend as much as you want, or don’t. You only have to invest what you want to into this night, but it is an ask that you enjoy the effort others put into their costumes instead of whining on the sidelines because you didn’t get a round of applause. Let’s be honest: I am not judging anyone for having a half-baked costume. I am entirely focused on the fact that my friends and me look fabulous. As long as you’re having a good time and appreciate my costume, that’s all that really matters.

I say all this because I know with the two Halloweekends, morale might be low. But you have to be okay with playing to lose when it comes to these nights, because you simply won’t hit it out of the park every time. I will always love and defend Chronically Online Halloweens. It’s still clever, still fun, still flexible to whoever wants to give their best shot at it. It’s entirely in the spirit of the season. Calling Powell’oween “a fate worse than death” is a level of dramatic that could have gone into creating a costume from your own closet. Have a ghouls and goblins party in July if you want to, but be honest with yourself if you’d even serve then. The only thing scary about y’all is your sheer lack of whimsy.

Of course, I’m not here to leave you all in the dust, so if you are scrambling for Halloween costume ideas for Weekend 2, let me offer some suggestions:

For the chronically online:

• She’s so crazzzzzzzy: Put a bag of Cheetos on top of your head with some version of a loose sweater. Many have already gone viral for it, and it’s perfect every time.

• Her body tea: Take a piece of printer or card stock paper and string it through some twine long enough to be a necklace. Draw the Lipton or Twinings design on the paper. Wear something you feel hot in. She’s annoying, but the body is tea.

• Tyra Banks in America’s Next Top Model: Wear a bodycon dress and hold sheets of paper in your hand. Extra points if you can draw your friends on them and reveal which of them is staying, and who must leave the competition.

• Hillary Clinton in the Kitchen: Sweep your hair up into a faux bob (tutorial here) and put on that pantsuit. Plus points if a friend can find a white cardboard box and go as the fridge.

• Kamala is Brat: Flip out your hair and put on your corporate friend’s pantsuit with a neon bra underneath. Put on sunglasses and IJBOL.

• JoJo Siwa: My friend Sharon did this for my birthday, but it is such a good idea—paint your face and wear all black to get the perfect “Karma” recreation. In true makeup influencer fashion, you can also see Sharon’s tutorials for Chappell Roan and the Brat album.

For the pop culture fanatics:

• Dune 2: I know I referenced it earlier, but it’s actually relatively easy if you just wear some kind of textured black outfit (I have a black dress with laces along the side, but you could also just wear all black with some belts or knee pads fashioned around you) and a tan sheer scarf wrapped around the head. I was going to draw the tube in black eyeliner because I don’t want to buy one.

• Challengers: Everyone has done it, and you can do it, too. Tennis clothes and a racket. Plus points if you have access to Stanford merch. Even more points if someone is willing to paint their face green and go as the tennis ball.

• Love Island USA: All you need is some kind of tight dress, black string (ideally elastic string, which you can get for $1.50) and a black pom pom for the microphones. You can make several of these for all your friends who need a costume with the spare materials. Make sure to do heavy Instagram face makeup.

• Sabrina Carpenter: Any version of a corset and mini skirt. For my Song of the Summer birthday party I also added fake blood as seen in the “Taste” music video, which is $5 to buy, but I just borrowed from a friend. You can also reuse the fake blood to go as Jennifer’s Body, Pretty Little Liars, or any other vague horror show that involves clothes you might own already.

For the nostalgic:

• Phineas and Ferb: I was almost about to do this, but you just need an afternoon to make the heads out of cardboard. I was planning on making the head and then wearing like a tank top and cutoff shorts to make it sexy with the big cardboard head, but I decided on something else. Still, I would like to see this happen.

• Dear Evan Hansen: Polo shirt borrowed from a straight man near you, wrap your arm in gauze. Wear a backpack. Deny being a nepo baby.

• Angelina Ballerina: All you need is a tutu (here is a tutorial on how to make one without sewing, the fabric store is pretty cheap if you’re not committed to buying one and want to repurpose the tulle) and a tank top. Draw on whiskers, too. I like doing cartoon characters for Halloween because they’re easy to identify.

• Junie B. Jones: A lot of mismatched clothes with loud prints. If you have your childhood copy, bring that along with. This is only worth it if you have most of the clothes already.