my friend shaded me via a tiktok repost...
ask steffi 05: advice for the social media age
As the digital realm continues to encompass the corporeal, we’re encountering new problems that no one seems to know the answer to. Not the overarching brushstrokes of policy and technology, but the nitty-gritty interpersonal issues that it brings us: the dance of flirting on Hinge, keeping tabs on our loved ones via Find My Friends, knowing the right time to Venmo request. Loneliness, love, money, fear, anger, yearning — now through the kaleidoscope of the infinite scroll.
This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.
Dear Steffi,
There has been a rift in my main group of friends for the last couple of years. Two people of this group went through a bombastic friend breakup that has made things super awkward for everyone else. We all tried to stay friends with both, because their beef was with each other, not with everyone else; still, even years later, one is butthurt that the rest of the group has stayed friends with the other. I’ve had multiple conversations with her about my stance on the situation — but just when I thought we had worked it out in the remix, I came across a TikTok repost of hers, which was essentially saying that if you are friends with someone who is friendly with everyone, these friends are snakes and are never going to have your back when you need them. I knew she was subtweeting me! And probably the rest of the friend group! I’m fairly certain she reposted with the intention for me and others to see it. It’s now reaching a point where I feel uncomfortable being around her because I want to say something so badly — why did you repost this? I thought we had worked it out? And if not, why are you still hitting me up to hang out? It seems like you don’t really like me anymore. How and when do I say this to her? Or should I just let it go?
— Rea Post
Dearest Rea Post,
Wait, she reposted that and then still hit you up to hang out in person? Are you sure your friend isn’t secretly like…keeping a bunch of elves locked in her basement, or something? Because that’s sinister behavior.
Normally, I’d be like, take a subtweet with a grain of salt, it could be for anyone. But this situation certainly arouses warranted suspicion. Personally, I don’t think it’s a wild leap to assume that she was shading you, intentional or not. Just technologically, a TikTok repost is different from a retweet—reposts send the video directly to your friends’ feeds. I’d also bet a sizable amount of money that most of your TikTok followings are much smaller than your Instagram or Twitter, just by virtue of time. Let’s be real, most of us aren’t really following all that many real connections on TikTok to begin with, which means the content we do see from our friends is much more concentrated. In the great divorce of Social versus Media, TikTok definitively sits on the media (passive consumption) side. Which means, at least for me, I’m actively thinking about content I know my immediate friends will enjoy when I repost. The content of this particular repost feel especially pointed, given the context of your friend group debacle and her frustration with your stance amidst it all. You’re also not alone! I’ve heard several stories of people wondering if their tenuous friend’s TikTok repost was an underhanded jab at them.
The most obvious take I need to get out of the way is that there is no excuse for anyone older than the age of twenty to be doing things like this. If you are nineteen years, then I understand how this situation came to be. If you are twenty or older, you have laundry to fold and have no business being passive aggressive on TikTok.
All that being said, whether she consciously meant it for you or not is really besides the point. It’s ultimately on her to decide if she wants to be a grown-up and tell you about how she’s feeling—especially if you’ve seen in her IRL after The Subtweet. You can’t go searching for codes in her TikTok reposts and trying to extract meaning about your current relationship from it. Your instinct is more than fair, but this wormhole is a fruitless endeavor that puts you right back where you started every time.
What are you holding on for? Memories are nice, but if this breakup has truly caused such an irreparable rift between you all, it might just be even more heartbreak to try and stitch back the memory of a time when things felt harmonious between you all—especially since it was never your fight in the first place. Clearly, you didn’t just spontaneously lose all your friends, but your relationship to them is certainly changing. Whether you decide you’re better off distancing yourself from this particular Subtweeter completely or keeping her at arm’s length (one of those “I see you twice a year for dinner where we only talk about surface-level life events and eat some kind of noodle-based dish” friends), if it’s come down to searching for emotional truth on her TikTok, I feel like that’s kind of a sign.
There’s a lot of pressures around the reflections of friendship online. The #SquadGoals nature of social media in 2014 really enforced the idea of an aspirational, picturesque ensemble crew; conversely, a whole new outlet of turmoil has bloomed in its rise—everyone’s hanging out without you and posting about it on Snapchat, someone didn’t make it into the Instagram carousel, you left the group chat and can’t get added back, and now I guess this shit, with people catching strays via TikTok reposts. The bottom line is, I think it’s short-sighted to downplay the emotions you feel just because you saw something online. You feel some type of way for a reason! But unless your friend is willing to address it directly, then there’s no way of getting an answer that feels conclusive and fulfilling for you. What I do know is that no one should have the time to subtweet anymore. Throw a direct jab or go home. Otherwise you’ll just be fighting with yourself.
Psst…guess what? This summer only, I’m bringing a twin it’s steffi advice column to Fast Company, where Deez Link’s Delia Cai and I will be answering your digital etiquette questions! These columns will run in tandem, and the title will be announced soon. If you want to proffer a question, leave a comment below. As always, submit to this advice column through my Google form.
More reading:
Took a mental health break from writing my unhinged essays because I got tired of getting yelled at on Twitter but I’m back at Mixed Feelings to discuss pressing news: the white boy stock is at an all-time high, but you’re a fool to think it’s about the white boys.
Went on Marketplace to discuss my feature for The Ringer, on how 2014 shaped the internet as we know it today.
During my break, I loved reading these pieces:
Kieran Press-Reynold’s GQ feature on Mogwarts, the Harry Potter-themed looksmaxxing academy.
My favorite person in the world CT Jones wrote incredible coverage on The Acolyte and Reylo fanfiction for Rolling Stone.
Teen Vogue’s series, “The United States of Suppression,” spearheaded by Allegra Kirkland, follows the crackdown on and censorship of dissent and protest nationwide.
10/10, enjoyed this! I loved the timeliness of this post (TikTok subs are such a thing) and the sincerely and humor in which Steffi answered the question.