should i block my boyfriend's aunt on instagram?
ask steffi 09: advice for the social media age
As the digital realm continues to encompass the corporeal, we’re encountering new problems that no one seems to know the answer to. Not the overarching brushstrokes of policy and technology, but the nitty-gritty interpersonal issues that it brings us: the dance of flirting on Hinge, keeping tabs on our loved ones via Find My Friends, knowing the right time to Venmo request. Loneliness, love, money, fear, anger, yearning — now through the kaleidoscope of the infinite scroll.
This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.
Earlier this month, I returned to Slate’s ICYMI to answer four questions from our Ask Steffi readers about holiday-specific etiquette. The questions spanned from how to deal with your family members who keep sharing Facebook conspiracy theories at the dinner table, to buying your best friend a Secret Santa gift when you think all of her wishlist items are TikTok brainrot garbage. Host Candice Lim and I had the most fun sharing our solutions for surviving the social media waters of the holiday season.
Dear Steffi,
My (28) boyfriend (30)'s aunt followed me on Instagram a couple months back, and reacts or responds to every story I post. My bf and I have been dating for 2.5 years and I see his aunt at family gatherings ~3 to 4 times a year. She's kind, but she's the only one from my family or my boyfriend's family who follows my Instagram, it seems that the other older relatives understand that there's a boundary there. But now that she's here, she would notice if I blocked her. She's even reached out to me via DM for advice on gifts for him, et cetera. I really don't want to self-censor online, so I've challenged myself to post what I would anyway, regardless of her interaction, but whenever I'm about to post something I definitely think "Hmm, what will [aunt name] think about this?" And I wish I didn't have to do that. For now, I've landed on just accepting her existence in my digital space, and that she chose to subscribe to whatever gay nonsense content I'm posting! but I would love any advice you have here, or any thoughts on the invisible rules I thought existed around this.
— Family Ties
Candice: Ooh, okay. Steffi, start us off—what do you think?
Steffi: Well, my golden rule is that you should never, under any circumstances, allow your family members or coworkers to follow you on Instagram. I think if you can avoid this situation to begin with, you should. You should be allowed the seven cardinal sins to keep your family members off your social media for this very reason specifically. I don’t care if you have to lie that you don’t check Instagram anymore, or that it’s a work account, or whatever, if you can avoid this altogether, you absolutely should. But now we are here. So I would implement the same rule. I grant you all seven cardinal sins to lie and scam your way into your aunt believing she is watching your content, when you in fact have a boundary.
Candice: Okay, this is interesting. I agree with you about family members. I just think that even if you are literally a pastor, your family just doesn’t need to know that side of you. For instance, my father has LinkedIn requested me four times, I have accepted it zero. And he still does, and we’re fine. But, coworkers! I didn’t realize coworkers was also kind of a boundary for you. Why is that?
Steffi: Well, I think it depends on your workplace. I think because we work in media, it’s a bit different, but when I hear about my friends who work in finance or hospitals, there’s not only a bit more of an age gap sometimes, but also very much a cultural gap in terms of how online people are. Because let’s be real, it’s our job to be online, so if you follow me on Twitter and you see my posts that are like, “she equals Nicki equals Clairo, ate equals burgers equals shade,” you’d get that—but if you work in a bank, maybe it’s different. So that’s why I say coworkers. From what I understand of peoples’ work cultures, the boundary is drawn in a very clear-cut way that may not always translate well to the persona you’re projecting or building on your Instagram, especially.
Candice: What’s interesting is that I read this letter and unfortunately kind of sided with the aunt, but I want you to tell me if I’m missing something. My whole deal is that I read the part where this reader said she “chose to subscribe to whatever gay nonsense content I’m posting,” and maybe she just really loves her gay nephew, or supporting what you do? It doesn’t sound like she’s being negative in your space, she’s just kind of liking and hee-hee, ha-haing. I gotta admit, I do that to my friends sometimes, so I’m kind of like, is the action or the person that is causing the tension or the stress? In my head, it sounds like this is just an aunt who wants to support her boyfriend’s love—you’ve been together for 2.5 years, so you’re a bit serious. Maybe she just really likes you and wants to be a part of your lives. But what am I missing, Steffi? What is the boundary I’m not seeing?
Steffi: I think you’re totally right—this has nothing to do with the aunt at all, this has everything to do with an internal struggle. But in that same vein, it’s okay to be like, okay, I’m not fully comfortable with this, so I’m just going to keep that boundary for my own sake while I’m still trying to wrap [my head around] the feeling of someone seeing me and my gay nonsense. Just because nothing necessarily wrong is happening doesn’t mean you have to learn how to be okay with a partner’s family member following you in such a way, even if the intention is totally innocent.
Editing Steffi Note: I was trying to word this in a more professional way on air, but basically I understand that if the only time you see your aunt is in a Christmas sweater, it can feel more than humiliating to post your bulge silhouette thirst trap knowing she’s going to swipe up with a “so proud of you, sweetie!” comment.
Candice: Okay, I have two ideas of where we can go. First one: would Close Friends help in this situation?
Steffi: I think it would, yeah.
Candice: So you basically would add all the people you would want to show your ass to in Close Friends, but you don’t add the aunt, so she only sees the sanctioned content. Would that help?
Steffi: Yeah, Close Friends is a good solution here. Especially because people will put like, 300 people on their Close Friends stories these days—like, it gets wild. Like, we’re not close friends. So at least you’re giving yourself the option to post the content you want while managing the bigger webs of people that will inevitably happen on most of our social medias. Even if you just muted her from your Stories for specific Stories you don’t want her to see. It’s a bit of a heavier lift, but if it works for you, it works for you.
Candice: Here’s my second idea, which is that I think this person should start a couples’ account. Hear me out! I want you to start a couples’ account with your boyfriend, and I want you to put all stuff you know is so lame, so cringe, so 2012—I want you to put everything on that Instagram, and I want you to only have one follower, and that follower is your boyfriend’s aunt, because she will be so distracted by the oatmeal and doggie walks and “coffees with boyf,” she will be so distracted at how much content you’re putting on the couple’s Instagram, she won’t even realize you blocked her main. And therefore, she’ll kind of think like, oh my God, I’m getting to know my nephew and his boyfriend, I’m getting to see their daily lives. And I know what you’re thinking: hey queen, is that not a second job? I know, but it sounds like we’re looking to avoid instead of contain, so I’m just going to say it—couple’s account. And guess what, if you really enjoy it, you become an influencer. Just a thought!
Steffi: That’s actually such a good idea. Because obviously this person’s thought about it enough where the energy is not the problem, it’s figuring out where to go now from here. That’s so genius.
Candice: Yeah. You guys get married, guess where that content’s gonna go? “Hey guys, we’re picking napkins today!” Your friends at work don’t want to see that, right, but put that on the couple’s Instagram, let her vote, and know that one person is voting—but what if she has really good taste, okay? I think this is a win-win. You start the Instagram in 2025 and we only go up.
You can listen to the full episode here, including what to do when you’re the only friend in a group left off a friend’s wedding guest list, how to handle your family member’s Facebook conspiracy beliefs, and what to do when you don’t want to buy your best friend’s TikTok Shop-pilled Secret Santa wishlist:
More from Ask Steffi:
Slate’s Nadira Goffe offers some perspective on what to do when you keep stalking your ex-friends online.
NBC’s Daysia Tolentino recommends when you can start revealing your weird humor on dating apps.
Steffi and Candice Lim talk about if it’s appropriate to have political arguments with people on Instagram DM, and when you think your in-law is having an affair based on their Facebook posts for the first installment of Ask Steffi x ICYMI.