help! i keep stalking my ex-friends online
ask steffi 08: advice for the social media age
As the digital realm continues to encompass the corporeal, we’re encountering new problems that no one seems to know the answer to. Not the overarching brushstrokes of policy and technology, but the nitty-gritty interpersonal issues that it brings us: the dance of flirting on Hinge, keeping tabs on our loved ones via Find My Friends, knowing the right time to Venmo request. Loneliness, love, money, fear, anger, yearning — now through the kaleidoscope of the infinite scroll.
This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.
This week’s question is answered by your favorite and mine, Nadira Goffe, a podcaster and culture writer at Slate Magazine. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @calllmenadira.
Dear Nadira,
I constantly stalk people who've wronged me and with whom I've had friendship breakups on social media. I love keeping tabs on random people in my life, but I can't stop checking some of their Instagram profiles (sometimes even habitually if I'm bored). I'm fairly sure I've moved on from what's happened between me and these people, but is this a sign that I'm not actually over it? Is this behavior unhealthy? It's not like I'm jealous—I'm just curious.....!
— Brick
Dear Brick,
You’re not alone. Everyone loves to check in with people they’ve shared significant parts of their life with, even (or especially) if the relationship ended poorly. It’s a layered human instinct: Sometimes we do it because we hope our former friends and lovers are doing well despite how it all ended, sometimes we do it because we miss their friends or family or pets that ended up as lost collateral in the breakup, sometimes full omniscience is the final goal (which is to say, sometimes we’re just nosy). Then, of course, there are the times we find ourselves monitoring the success of others for less-than-healthy reasons that we’re too ashamed to admit—jealousy if they’re doing better; petty smugness if they’re doing worse.
Generally, I’d say that, though this behavior can be unhealthy, it doesn’t mean that it most definitely is. None of these things inherently make you toxic or obsessed. They just make you human. And maybe a little annoying, depending. But, you need to be honest with yourself! I may have changed majors in college because I was failing Calculus 2, but even I can tell you: This math ain’t mathin’! You say you’re “just curious,” but no one who “stalks” is “just curious” about their obsessions—or else they wouldn’t be obsessed with them to begin with. Not to mention, those ellipses after “just curious” seem…suspicious.
Look, I can give you a whole spiel about taking stock of how you feel when you check your former-bestie’s profile or your ex’s Instagram Story. I can give you a whole spiel about how social media isn’t real anyway, so you’re obsessing over a whole ‘lotta nothin’. However, the better question to ask yourself is: How would you feel if you unfollowed them or, at the very least, muted their Stories (people check who watches those, you know!). Would you just feel bored? Or would you feel like you’re missing out on something? If it’s the latter (and I have to hazard a guess that it is given the fact that you’re on their pages like you’re Bruno Mars in a casino), then Order in the court, the verdict is in!: You are still platonically and/or romantically down bad. In which case, you should try to get closure where you can. If you can’t, you need to work through those emotions on your own end. Perhaps with a therapist, or, you know, one of the friends you’re actually still friends with.
The thing about checking in on people you’ve cut all ties with is that, though it’s totally understandable, there’s no actual good reason for it. If you stopped and found out that you were just bored this whole time? Get a hobby. If you feel that you’re missing out on something real without access to their perceived life? No offense, but, get a life! You’ve got time on your hands, so use it wisely. Watch that show you’ve always wanted to, read a book, befriend your local bartender, bedazzle something, start planning next year’s Halloween costume, watch Joker 2 then go wash your eyes with bleach, call your mother or father or sibling or grandparent or literally anyone you know, volunteer, paint a wall in your apartment, take an online college course, bake a pie, learn how to play a new sport, or chess (sorry, chess is not a sport!), go to the circus. Hell, join one! Do whatever as long as you’re not a man buying a podcast mic. Or an NYU student buying a tiny mic for your upcoming TikTok series in which you harass innocent passersby in Washington Square Park about their favorite song when they’re just trying to eat their bagel. On second thought, maybe just stay clear of microphones in general. But, beyond that, you’re in the clear!
You’ve done the hard work of letting go of something or someone that meant a lot to you, but, for whatever reason, needed to be released. Now revel in it with the newfound time you have! Step your diva up! Because the worst part is already over and life can (and does) exist beyond it, beyond them. Though this behavior isn’t inherently bad, it is inherently a waste of your time. Instead of investing your time and energy into people who have nothing to do with your life anymore, put it towards the people who could.
Psst…guess what? Ask Steffi is doing another exciting collaboration, specifically addressing social media etiquette quandaries during the holiday season! If you want advice on what to do when your parents keep posting you on Facebook, or how to avoid DMs about hanging out, or running into your ex on hometown Hinge, ask Steffi through our form here.
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