when can i test my freak on a dating app?
ask steffi 07: advice for the social media age
As the digital realm continues to encompass the corporeal, we’re encountering new problems that no one seems to know the answer to. Not the overarching brushstrokes of policy and technology, but the nitty-gritty interpersonal issues that it brings us: the dance of flirting on Hinge, keeping tabs on our loved ones via Find My Friends, knowing the right time to Venmo request. Loneliness, love, money, fear, anger, yearning — now through the kaleidoscope of the infinite scroll.
This corner of it’s steffi aims to address life within the social media age, and offer a little advice about how to deal with our most online quandaries. Once a month, I’ll answer a question you have, and invite some other internet culture friends to share their thoughts, too. If you’d like to submit a question, you can submit through this form.
This week’s question is answered by the inimitable Daysia Tolentino, a culture and trends reporter at NBC News. She has written about pop culture and the internet for InStyle, Vulture, the Daily Dot, and more. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram.
Dear Daysia,
If I’m messaging with someone on a dating app, how soon is too soon to be weird and goofy? I want to be weird and goofy right away but I feel like the jokes don’t read a lot of the time. My gut says I shouldn’t change my humor, but maybe I should be a bit more chill? Unsure here.
— Goofy
Dear sweet Goofy,
I know your pain. Finding love is hard, but finding someone to match your freak? That’s even harder.
First thing’s first, you gotta get the conversation off the app—offline, even—quickly. If you are really interested in seeing where a connection goes and if you can kiki for real, you have to meet them IRL ASAP! Some people are funny online and absolutely sauceless in person. There is perhaps nothing worse than building a digital rapport with someone for weeks only to realize there’s no chemistry face-to-face.
But of course, you must figure out what the vibe is before you commit the time, energy and cute outfit to a date. So to answer your actual question, I don’t think there is a time that is too soon to be weird and silly on the apps.
In fact, I think it’s good to sprinkle your goofiness into your profile. Apps like [REDACTED] or [NO FREE PROMO😗] give you a lot of opportunities to give people a sneak peek into that freak brain at your dazzling personality, whether it’s through voice memos, polls or prompts. Despite what TikTokers may have you believe, a lot of us are suckers for a silly voice memo or a stupid meme. I’m not afraid to admit it!
Showcasing your humor lets people know that you aren’t a robot (literally, these apps are filled with them these days). It also alleviates some of the pressure that comes along with the sick mating process we’ve all settled into in our new digital world. In an era when many singles have begun treating their dating profiles like their Instagram accounts, I think any crack in the veneer is welcome.
I would add that you don’t want to show all of your cards at once. Make a joke or put a silly pic in there, but don’t make it totally unserious. Indulge in a little mystique. Put your sexy, wistful, who-is-she photos on display—but always sprinkle in a couple things that real clowns (complimentary) can riff on. That’s a well-rounded profile that will get you closer to the potential partners you want.
Once you start chatting, feel free to express your humor and silliness as you please. If it’s not clicking with that person, they’re probably not right for you. Don’t waste your time on anything that feels forced or just doesn’t feel good. I can’t tell you the amount of time I’ve wasted trying to make a conversation work on the apps. You want a partner who will do bits with you effortlessly. It comes with time and patience but you should not settle for anything less. Trust me.
Again, the true compatibility test is being able to banter in person without editing your jokes or curating the perfect witty text. We all present ourselves a certain way on dating apps, but it’s never an exact substitute for our IRL personalities. Ultimately, dating is exhausting but it’s even worse if you’re on a boring date with someone who does not get your humor at all.
All this to say, trust your gut. Never change yourself for anyone, especially not a stranger! Because seriously, who is that rando??? And why are they making you feel bad?
In the great words of Christine Baranski and Julie Walters in the 2008 classic Mamma Mia!: Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke!
Xoxo,
Daysia
Psst…guess what? Ask Steffi is doing another exciting collaboration, specifically addressing social media etiquette quandaries during the holiday season! If you want advice on what to do when your parents keep posting you on Facebook, or how to avoid DMs about hanging out, or running into your ex on hometown Hinge, ask Steffi through our form here.
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